20 September 2018

On motherhood and being an artist

It's been a while since I've done anything with this space. I've had a few fits and starts, and a few times I've thought, I'll just start a new blog or a new site, but that's just crazy, I don't need to "rebrand" myself when I'm basically just writing for myself and my friends who will likely be the only people reading this. I also have this problem, you know, how does the saying go, perfection is the enemy of good? It keeps me from putting out things that I worry aren't good enough. But sometimes the act of putting things out there even if they aren't perfect is important to the process of being an artist. Otherwise what are you?

I would like to get back into daily/regular writing, or at least semi regular writing. The last few years have been a blur of trying to get pregnant, being pregnant, and having two little babies who have forever changed out lives. I was anxious before, and I'm anxious now, but as always I'm working on that each day, or each hour sometimes. When it comes to creativity, I have to constantly work on the negative self talk. It has me stopping before I've even begun sometimes and that's just sad.

My other creative outlet in life, photography, has also fallen to the wayside. I haven't taken any photos in a serious way for a few years now. Creating a family and becoming a mother was an all consuming process for me, and of course I don't regret any of it because of the two wonderful little people I now get to spend life with, but it still makes me kind of sad that my photography has fallen to the way side. I feel really, really out of practice. It's so funny, my relationship with photography, because I love it, so much, I've spend what feels like most of my life behind the camera, but I have always been insecure and had this feeling that I'm not as good enough, not as good as I wish I was, so what am I even doing?

I know like anything in life you get better at them the more you practice, but some things, especially creative endeavors, are hard because there is this sense that there is some like magical it factor, you have it or you don't, you're a real photographer or your just another girl with a camera who thinks she's a photographer. I feel inferior to many male friends and acquaintances that I have, and I don't even know why. I'm always fighting these stupid battles in my head. I have been a creative as long as I can remember, since I was a child, writing stories, drawing and painting pictures, and taking photographs. I still vividly remember and mourn the loss of my first camera (a mickey mouse 110) and oh my word I just googled it and found one on ebay! I should probably buy it!

Anyway these things are still so important to me. Sharing the things I create with others is important to me. Really, I am not me if I am not creating art in some way. I need to get over the "I'm not good enough" and get back into doing the things I love. And I think I've finally come out of the fog of new motherhood enough to give it a fresh start.

And even though it's scary to put this out there, I'm going to hit the publish button.

Anyone else ever feel the same way? How do you balance motherhood and creativity? Wouldn't it be nice if we could create a community of support for each other to create our art? And not just mothers, anyone who feels like they've let their creativity fall to the side. Drop me a comment or send me a message! Let's support each other!

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