24 May 2006

"i'll take something to believe

something with long sleeves"

I was thinking about people today, and their thresholds for dealing with things, like pain, frustration, stress. Sometimes I see other people and they are like freaking out about something that doesn't seem like a big deal to me, and I think, well, geesh, just chill out. And that is kind of a jerk response, because I freak out about stupid shit all the time, so why can't I just have some sympathy or empathy for someone else freaking out about their stupid shit, and maybe their capacity for dealing with said shit is at a different level than mine?

And then I think about people who deal with some really heavy stuff in their lives, and I think, how do they do it? I mean, do you just deal with something like that when you get to it, and deal because there is nothing else you can do but deal? Where do you find the strength to handle that really shitty life stuff that comes up, and not that I've ever directly had to deal with anything like that, I've lead a pretty happy and safe life, but how does one deal? And then when I think about people dealing with some really tough stuff, I think, what the fuck am I freaking out about my lame-o problems for? And then I freak out about their problems, because, I don't know, because my heart is too soft. I can't handle the idea that people that I love and care about may be dealing with some really bad stuff. Its too much for my little self.

And all of this comes back, like so many other things, to my lack of faith. My mother would say about all of this, something like, "well, you just have to trust in God, etc." But I think I've lost that ability (and I don't know if I ever had it). My rational, scientific, educated brain says, uh, where's the logic in that? And since it can't put the pieces that make no sense together, it won't let me. And I envy people who have that. I don't know how to get it. This posting has gone a different direction that I thought it would. At any rate, I was thinking I would post the lyrics to a Pedro the Lion Song "Secret of the Easy Yoke" because it fits my feelings on this matter, and my mental state today, in a way. Enjoy.

Secret of the Easy Yoke- Pedro the Lion

i could hear the church bells ringing
they pealed aloud your praise
the member's faces were smiling
with their hands outstretched to shake
it's true they did not move me
my heart was hard and tired
their perfect fire annoyed me
i could not find you anywhere
could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all

the devoted were wearing bracelets
to remind them why they came
some concrete motivation
when the abstract could not do the same
but if all that's left is duty, i'm falling on my sword
at least then, i would not serve an unseen distant lord

could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all
if this only a test
i hope that i'm passing, cuz i'm losing steam
but i still want to trust you

peace be still

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous8:37 AM

    I dont know you anymore. I wish I did because we would have a lot of interesting things to say to each other, things to talk about over a bottle of whiskey and a Ghost Land Observatory album. I wish sometimes it was easier for me to leave Alaska, so that I could visit all of the people that remind me how many things I miss when I am so far away and how their lives have changed in the last few years.

    MADISON

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